Manspeak


Exhaustive Divine Sovereignty and Flushed Cell Phones by Travis Evans
October 24, 2006, 12:44 am
Filed under: Humor, Uncategorized

This past Wednesday night, I did the unthinkable. I flushed my cell phone down the toilet. This is how it all went down: I had just arrived back at my house and I had “to go”. I must have been in some kind of temporary mental haze. When I leaned forward to flush the toilet, I heard a clank in the bowl. If I had been functioning at full mental capacity, which even that is not particularly impressive, I would have been immediately concerned with what I had just dropped in the bowl. But, no, a second went by before I came to my senses and asked myself, “What in the world just fell out of my jacket pocket into the toilet?” In a panic, I leapt back to the bowl just in time to see my cell phone spinning down the evacuative “hole of no return”. Without thinking, I thrust my hand in the whirling “liquid mixture” to retrieve my phone, only to feel the antenna slip through my fingers and go down the drain. I stood there laughing in disbelief. As the fresh water came pouring in after the toilet had sucked my phone away, my keys fell out of my other jacket pocket into the bowl. As is the case when something hits the water at any speed, a splash was produced that gave my face a lovingly “refreshing” cheek bath. I grabbed my keys from the bottom of the bowl, threw them on a towel, washed my face and hands (twice) and went to bed.

What makes this situation bearable and even laughable is the fact that God is exhaustively sovereign over His Creation. His will cannot be thwarted and it penetrates every single thing that happens. From the decision of kings to the random falling of the dice. God says is like this: “Who has spoken and it came to pass, unless the Lord has commanded it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that good and bad come?” Lamentations 3:37-38. Also, “Our God is in the heavens, he does all that he pleases.” Psalm 115:3. And Job says of the LORD, “I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.” Job 42:2. And “The king’s heart is a stream of water in the hand of the LORD; he turns it wherever he will.” Proverbs 21:1. And “The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD.” Proverbs 16:33

So, the things that come about by the most (seemingly) independent and absolute of wills, like a king’s will, are all under the sovereign hand of God, and the things that come about seemingly by chance are under the sovereign control of God as well. So, we would expect all things in between to be under his control too, especially when idiots flush cell phones down toilets.

I hope this encourages you other stupid men out there. Regardless of the things you face in life and the circumstances that tempt you to doubt God or to retreat back into fearful passivity, know that God is in control in this Universe, and His control isn’t thwarted by your failures or circumstances. In addition, IN CHRIST, we know that His governing of all things for His glory and to accomplish His purposes also includes our good! Oh the good news of the Gospel for pathetic men that are called to attempt great things for the Kingdom of God! HE is working, HE is governing, HE is faithful, HE is not anxious, so we can step out boldly and can seek to be faithful and be free from worry because He has proven Himself trustworthy.

How am I going to respond in light of this amazing truth to the perilous flushing? Did I curl up in a ball on my bed, cry and suck my thumb? Did I shake an angry fist at God? Nope. I went the next day, told the Verizon dude what was up, bought a new cell phone and went on with life as usual. Booyah, anger, worry, and fear!

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10 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Haha. It’s amazing just how many guys this happens to.

Did I curl up in a ball on my bed, cry and suck my thumb?

Well, one reason why is obvious. That would just be gross.

Note to self: Empty pockets before entering ‘throne room’.

Good post. Trust in the Lord in all things and lean not unto our own understandings. Hard to do, but well worth it when it comes to avoiding ulcers and more importantly growing a relationship with our Father.

Comment by Hal

“Without thinking, I thrust my hand in the whirling “liquid mixture” to retrieve my phone, only to feel the antenna slip through my fingers and go down the drain”

Kevin, hilarious to the 10th degree.

Comment by Jonathan Oldacre

good grief, then i read this part “As the fresh water came pouring in after the toilet had sucked my phone away, my keys fell out of my other jacket pocket into the bowl.”

i wish i could have seent his go down, but i can picture it pretty well. hilarious!

Comment by Jonathan Oldacre

(I hope you don’t mind a young lady commenting here…)

That post really made me laugh. As for the grossness of it, though, did you know that the average (flushed, mind you) toilet is cleaner than the average sink. To quote the auther of Fast Food Nation: “a person is better off dropping a carrot into the toilet and fishing it out and eating it than dropping it into the kitchen sink and doing likewise.”

I guess that means your keys are safe. =P

Comment by Heidi

For the past couple of days, I have been meditating on these exact thoughts,…not the toilet, but that God is in control of EVERYTHING. As a result of this, I have asked God to bring on me the trouble, toil, confusion, and the like of someone dear to me, so that they may be guided clearly, and rejoice in their blessings. I am absolutely sincere about this. This last weekend had it rough spots, and today has been frustrating. God REALLY is alive and at work in our lives!! Amen! I know I will come through this closer to God and all the better for it.

Please pray for me as I go through this, and that my prayers and requests may be answered in the way I have been petitioning our Father for.

thanks

Comment by Fritz

Don’t you miss the days of gigantic cell phones that could in no way slip down into the porcelain abiss?

Comment by Gabby

Henceforth is transribed a sequential amendment to the post in accordance with this comment:

Kevin actually came out of the bathroom and gave me a good laugh before he went to bed and AFTER he actually flushed it. Just thought that I should be mentioned in the blog too.

Thanks for nothin kevin.

Comment by joshcan

Heidi wrote: “did you know that the average (flushed, mind you) toilet is cleaner than the average sink?”

This may be true (though I am seriously wondering), but there is the issue of the “mental barrier” one must deal with when any object penetrates the inner rim of the throne. Kevin, my advice to you is to get a new set of keys, peel the outer layer of skin from your hand, bath in paint thinner, vomit several times, and then maybe you will be cleansed from this rather unfortunate occurrence.

Comment by bigplew

plew, nice “Seinfeldian” comment, hilarious.

I propose a Man Law: If it goes in the bowl, don’t chase it down the hole.

Comment by Jonathan Oldacre

Man Law! Yes Indeed. Fat Jon, that was hilarious!

Comment by bigplew




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