Manspeak


When Nature Calls… by Kevin Shipp
January 16, 2007, 4:33 pm
Filed under: Humor

I’m back. (Some people may be saddened on my return, some are thankful, most are indifferent) I have another ridiculous story of awkward mandomness.

A few days ago, I was in New York City and I had one of the most traumatic events of my adult life. I went to the Big Apple with some guys and girls from the campus outreach overseen by my local church for the purpose of building relationships and sightseeing. However, things turned a little sour, at least for me.

For dinner one night, we ate at an Applebee’s just off Time Square. Being from the South I have an inherited love for Sweet Tea. Good luck finding good sweet tea in the North. Ain’t gonna happen. The closest thing you will find is some kind of sweetened tea with artificial fruit flavoring in it. Desperate as I was for whatever I could get, I ordered the fruity tea. I downed four glasses of the tea over the course of the meal along with several glasses of water. Big mistake. You see, I was born with a bladder roughly the size of a thimble. Anytime I drink too much fluids, i’m pretty much disabled from traveling more than 15 minutes at a time before intense pain sets in and my vision goes.

We decided to go check out central park after dinner. We entered the southwest corner and walked up one of the rock outcroppings to get a good look at the southern portion of the park and the buildings shooting up around the park’s perimeter. After taking in the sight for a moment, the pain came on quick and strong. For most people, this pain of “really needing to go” comes on slowly and over the period of several hours. For me it takes about twenty seconds, tops. I had to go BAD!

I could see a bathroom house and several porti-Johns from our elevated position, so I told the group I would catch up with them in a moment, and I sprinted (not just jogged or ran, I’m talking about a full out, running from the cops, high knee kicking sprint) around a curve to the porti-Johns. there must of been nine or ten of the things, all were pad locked. In my haste, I had put all hope in them being open, so the running only intensified the situation, as you can imagine. I began sweating and my heart began to beat uncontrollably.

I decided to go to the bath house: CLOSED and LOCKED. I panicked again, and roamed aimlessly looking for a concealing growth of trees or a speeding car to fling myself in front of. Eventually I ran into a park employee in a golf cart. I told him my situation in broken sentences through heavy breathing. He said, “Over there,” pointing toward a glowing haze in the distance, ” is an ice skating rink, they should let you in to use the bathroom.” I wasted no time and ran as fast as I cold without “losing control”, if you dig.

I get to the ice skating rink, and cut through the line to the door. I see the little men’s sign past the entrance. I think it was just me, but I swear it was gold and glowing. I also heard the sound of harps cascading from the sign accompanied by a large women’s chior singing “Hallelujah!”. Time seemed to stand still as I gazed upon the splendor of the men’s bathroom sign. It was so beautiful and I was so entranced that I could even read the brail, as if the bumps were pressing on my eye balls. But my moment of joy was shattered when I saw the guy taking tickets at the door. I looked at him with the most pathetic look I could and said, “I have got to use the bathroom really bad, could I just use it and leave, PLEASE!?” He said, “We can’t do that, there are some porti-potties if you…” I didn’t let him finish the sentence. I ran off back toward the closed bath house, thinking, “That’s it, I’m just gonna have to go. I have no other option.”

So, I go back to the bath house and steel off to one of the sides that was out of sight from the walking path. It was super dark, so I had to kinda feel my way through some small bushes to a place where I felt secure enough. I went. While I was going, my eyes began adjusting to my surroundings. As I looked in front of me I noticed, “Hmmm, a suit case, and right there’s a sleeping bag, and there’s a jacket…” And it hit me. I had been “going” in the middle of some homeless guy’s “bedroom”. Realizing that the deed was pretty much done by then, I finished up and came out of the little nook. My buddy Chris was waiting on me, and I said, “Dude, I totally just desecrated some homeless guy’s stash!” (Now I in no way want to make light of the terrible situation that most homeless people find themselves in. I hate poverty and I hate the thought that men and women have to scrape by, for whatever reason, the way some folks have to in this world. Not cool. But I couldn’t help but laugh at his response!) Chris, while laughing, said (his exact words fail me now, but this was the gist), “Well, he probably won’t notice. He’s probably used to smelling bad.”

Moral of the story: I’m an idiot.

Kevin

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6 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Well, at least you are a humble idiot.

Comment by Jill

Ray Charles is off the hook, in some of his songs

Comment by Kevin Shipp

Hey Brother:

I have thoroughly enjoyed your post thus far, and I missed you all when you were on hiatus….I don’t know, however, if this post fulfills the 1 Corinthians 10:31 mandate to glorify God in all that we do. I know it wasn’t your intent to use the restroom on a place somebody calls there home (or may call there home,I don’t know). I just don’t know if it is a positive reflection on Christ for you to include the conversation between you and Chris at the end “Dude, I totally just desecrated some homeless guy’s stash!” (Now I in no way want to make light of the terrible situation that most homeless people find themselves in. I hate poverty and I hate the thought that men and women have to scrape by, for whatever reason, the way some folks have to in this world. Not cool. But I couldn’t help but laugh at his response!) Chris, while laughing, said (his exact words fail me now, but this was the gist), “Well, he probably won’t notice. He’s probably used to smelling bad.”
I just thought that the comments at the end of this blog weren’t funny, but maybe it’s a guy thing. I hope that you will take my comments with a grain of salt, and keep posting God honoring thought provoking discussions. Even though I questioned this particular post, I have enjoyed your humor in the past and other posts from your friends have caused me to evaluate my walk with our Savior/spurred me on to serve Him better. Thanks for your time

Comment by Southern girl who also laments at the fact that there is no sweet tea up North

Thanks for your comment! I am glad you take the time to read the blog and have (miracle of all miracles) benefitted! When writing the post, I struggled a bit over whether I would include that part or not. I recognize the potential for offense. I decided, in the end, to include it for two main reasons. 1) I am immature and pretty inconsiderate, and I desire to present myself accurately on this blog. Offensive behavior and all (where its not particularly graphic in nature). 2) Its a great way to weaken pride in my life to share my “less than admirable” actions. I am not proud of laughing at the situation of a homeless man, but I did.

I hope to grow in discernment in the future. I am thankful for your comments because it helps me toward that end. Please keep reading, especially the other guys that post. I am mostly here to make them look better by contrast!

Comment by Kevin Shipp

I sincerely appreciate your humility. I definitely plan on continuing to read your blog, and look forward to hearing from you (and the fellas) in the future. May we both continue to cry out to the Lord as we seek to grow in wisdom and discernment.

Aren’t you glad that God uses the foolish things of this world to bring Him glory. What an awesome God we serve!

Fighting the good fight right there with you!

Comment by Southern girl who also laments at the fact that there is no sweet tea up North

Thank for making this valuable information available to the public.

Comment by Inez Wells




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