Manspeak


Women aren’t Men by Kevin Shipp
January 23, 2007, 4:35 pm
Filed under: Humor

I am in no way an expert on women, nor am I even close to being well qualified to speak authoritatively on how men and women should relate to one another, but over the past few days I have learned something that I think is very valuable and I hope will serve the men that stumble across our blog.

I am not a considerate person. I rarely take time to think through things taking other’s time, thoughts, responsibilities, needs, or feelings into consideration before I speak or act. This was made very clear to me a few days ago in the area of women cooking for men.

In our church we have some great, godly young women. I asked a lady friend of mine this past week to cook a meal for me and others (not really requested, I think the exact way I ‘asked’ was “Thanks for cooking dinner for me this coming Sunday” So it more closely resembled me saying: “You’re cooking for me, it better be good.” As if it would be the most enjoyable thing for her to cook for me! I am so arrogant!) She, being humble and loving to serve, agreed.

Here’s where my lack of consideration for others and my lack of understanding of the difference between men and women came out full force. That Sunday I ate a huge, late lunch, so I was super full still when dinner came around. About an hour before I was supposed to come to dinner with the other folks, I called my friend and said “Hey, im not really hungry, and I didn’t know if you were still planning on cooking anyways, so I just called to let you know I won’t be eating.”

Here’s the deal, I assumed she was like a guy. When I cook dinner, this is what it looks like: I open the freezer, remove a small cardboard box, pop it in the microwave, stop half way through to stir (that’s the hard part that I sometimes skip, especially if I’m in a hurry. Also, If I am making food for a friend, the middle-stir is what I mean when I say, “I will cook for you.” That is the extent of my preparations) It takes about 5 minutes, tops. Then, I eat. That’s it. So, when I called to cancel on dinner, that’s what I thought about. Really. I thought, “Well, this will be easier for her, I’m sure. She won’t have to bother, so it works for the both of us.”

Wrong. When a woman (especially a woman who is creative and loves to serve others) is going to make dinner for someone, this is what it involves: She day dreams about recipes for a few hours, she then searches the internet and calls her friends, mom, grandma, aunt, sister’s roommate, the senator’s wife, and Betty Crocker herself for recipe ideas and cooking tips. Then, she goes to the store and drops about fifty or sixty bucks on high quality ingredients. This usually involves calling one of her friends who also gives input for the recipe, which leads to another run to the store and then a stop at the Starbucks for some “girl time”. Then, about 4 hours before the dinner guests arrive, women start cleaning the house, they have decorations that coincide with the food being prepared, they may even search the internet for fun facts about the history of the dish and about the country or ethnic region where the food originated. Then, they cook. Again, a friend will be called to help, possibly requiring one more run to the store, and some giggle/tear time while the oven preheats.

Finally, the guests arrive. The girls take their coats, offer them chips and dip, and find out what is going on in your ENTIRE life. Then, they bring out the food. There is probably even more planning and presentation etiquette that is observed here that I am not even aware of. Like how they hold the bowls, where they put the side dishes in relation to the main dish in order to have the best mixture of aromas etc. I can only speculate how much time goes into that!

Then everyone eats. The girls even take time to encourage or honor one of their dinner guests about how God is working in their life. Then, they break out dessert. (Guys don’t even make dessert. They are usually like, “After you eat that microwaved pizza, if you are still hungry, I have some Frosted Flakes and milk in the fridge. Help yourself.) No, with girls, desset is a repeat of the above mentioned steps, only its more difficult because once you have chosen the food for the actual dinner, you limit which dessert you can make because it is essential to find the perfect compliment to the dinner.

After dinner, the girls are off to the kitchen where they sterilize every dish with 800 degree water. They may even make little boxes or bags of left overs for the guys to take home. (Which will probably be eaten cold for breakfast the next morning becuase guys are too lazy to use the microwave.)

So, when I called to cancel dinner on my friend, she was about 95% of her way through the 40 hours of work that went into preparing the meal. But I didn’t give it a second thought!

Men, we should be very very grateful when women cook. Its a TON of work. If you are married, you should spend about fifteen minutes a day just honoring and thanking your wife when she cooks. Complaining is absolutely unacceptable! You should also recognize the work of God in your wife’s life that she would even cook for you and turn her attention to that! If you are single and your mom, sister, or lady friends cook for you, take time to express your appreciation and turn their attention to God and thank Him for providing great women in your life. We take so much for granted!

Kevin

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66 Comments

This is really funny! I may forward it to the Girltalk blog…there topic right now is food! You might know more about women than you think. Once you said you cancelled on her I thought “OH NO!” because I knew she had probably finished the meal, had plates layed out and was very excited to serve! So, funny. Oh- and about the research on foods- you nailed it. How funny! Us girls just can’t help it. You should surprise her and some of her girlfriends with a meal that you actually think of and prepare…:)

Comment by Trillia

You leave us hanging here! Did you end up going to dinner after all? And when did your repenting begin?!? Thanks for proving the old adage, “Food is Love.”

Comment by Carolyn

I ended up doing far worse than not going to dinner. I ended up coming to the house, but sat and read on the couch while everyone else ate dinner. I didn’t realize what a jerk I was being until someone brought it to my attention. (What an idiot!) It was a gut wrenching feeling to realize how inconsiderate I had been!

Comment by Kevin Shipp

Oh, and to make it even worse(!), I was reading to prepare for a meeting we were having after the dinner where my first order of business was to honor the girls!!! Geez! Talk about talking and not walking.

Comment by Kevin Shipp

“Then, they cook. Again, a friend will be called to help, possibly requiring one more run to the store, and some giggle/tear time while the oven preheats.”

hilarious…

JO

Comment by Jonathan Oldacre

I laughed sooo hard. You DID nail it Kevin. Good job of, as Wayne Grudem puts it, “celebrating the difference.” 🙂

Comment by Joanna

Good one. Women are silly, and men are clueless.

If “food is love”, then that would explain a whole lot of things. I will certainly be paying much closer attention in the future. Thanks everyone for your insights and transparency.

Just as a side note,…I make a little more effort than just microwaving,……….sometimes. 😀

Mainly if it involves my grill and some sort of venison!!!

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM,…venison.

Comment by Fritz

Come on Kev, not all guys are pitful cooks. (There are a few of us in my house that actually cook from time to time.) If I was making dinner for a group and you called and said you wouldn’t be eating, I’d be pretty mad. Well, ok, actually I probably would rejoice that there is now more for me to eat, but still would be disappointed. But I guess girls don’t usually see the silver lining there behind the declined invite.

Comment by psteele

I just wandered over here from Girltalk and got quite the chuckle out of this post. All I can say is, “THANK GOD for friends who are willing to tell us when we are jerks!”

Comment by Christina

@Jessica: He realized how inconsiderate he was, and is obviously sorry about it.

I think your post was hilarious. Also got here through girltalk, and am very glad to have read it. It’s so typical, and very funny.

Though I, like most girls, don’t like it when men assume cooking to be an easy job.. and complain about their mother only making soup that day.

Thanks for giving them a heads up!

Comment by Rebecca

I, too, laughed my way through this, but my laughter was because I am so grateful for my husband who is nothing like “most men”. He is the one who cooks around here and does all the things you described, except he only has one source for food info.: the “Joy of Cooking” (and me). Oh, he also doesn’t do all the girl talk, except with me. He even thinks about the decorations!
He usually cooks for our family 2 or 3 times a week (we have 5 children) and loves to have company.
Thank you for helping me to appreciate my husband even more!

Comment by Amy

Oh man, you are so mean!!!!! I’m sitting here crying my eyes out–from laughter. You’re very mean, but at least you’re funny about it :). If you only knew the half of what a girl goes through to cook a meal for a guy.

😀

Comment by BrittLeigh

I can so totally relate! When I was dating my husband many years ago, I was cooking for him and a friend and his sister and brother -in-law after church one Sunday. His brother-in-law was a chef and I a novice cook!I of course had gone through much of the preparation described above. What I didn’t realize until I was cooking after church was that my boyfriend had invited other people he has seen that morning! For me, this was cause for panic because there wasn’t enough food. After lots of tears on my part because he just didn’t “get it,” I don’t even remember how it turned out but I so remember the panic and unbelief that he would do such a thing! So over the years I have learned to relax and trust the Lord as my husband invites people to our home and he has definately become more thoughtful and “gets it” most of the time.

Comment by Carolyn

Dude! How completely rude you are! This situation requires some serious groveling. Here’s what you’ve gotta do. Call that saint of a woman up and apologize profusely. Then invite her(and anyone else SHE wants to bring) to your house for dinner. Don’t do dinner half way, either. Do it the way she was attempting to do it for you. Make very effort, man! Get outta your freaking comfort zone and try! I promise it won’t hurt one little bit. By the way, other people thought this was funny but I just thought it was really sad. It’s insane the way women make such lame excuses for men.

Comment by Billie

Oh man, how did you know that’s what I go through when I cook for people! That was great….

Comment by Michelle

This is why I never ask men to come to my dinner party. They will come up with some silly excuse to cancel dinner when I have already prepared for them. Good story.

Comment by Dear Aunaetitrakul

who was the girl?

Comment by Bill the Boss

I have to agree with some of other comments on here. Though your newly-found understanding of how women approach hospitality was right on the money and humorously written, I do feel like this was not a male/female issue but rather a courtesy issue. It’s about being true to your word (i.e. showing up ready to eat for a dinner that you requested), and God’s standard for that is the same, whether male or female.

Comment by Jane

ps: Wondering if any of the fine ladies from “Girltalk” would be truly laughing had this happened to them.

Comment by Ava

About my comment above, I can see how interpretation of the event would break down along gender lines, as many of my male friends have done things like this and feel like it’s no big deal while I thought they did a horrible thing. So how to bridge this gap between viewpoints?

Comment by Jane

poor dear! i think you owe her a gift card to starbucks…
*that was so funny*

Comment by Jacqui

I am married to a guy like this… and I consider him to not only be my best friend, but my hero. He has learned over the years not to say things like, “My mother doesn’t cook it that way.”
This is an example of “love covers a multitude of sins” and there IS humour in all of this. Trust me. I have learned that my husband, my hero, my best friend … as thoughtless as he may come across to others in certain areas, would lay down his life for me without thinking about it.
I am not a doormat… I am a woman that embraces Biblical womanhood married to a man that loves to eat and I love to serve him for the glory of my heavenly Father …as he too, in different ways, loves and serves our family. He is a man of good repute and is “respected in the gates.”

Comment by lisa4given

I thought the story was pretty funny, just because of the ridiculousness of it all. And I think he pretty well showed us that. This was a “Can you believe I ACTUALLY did this?” story told humorously with a lesson tied in. He’s already stated he realized his fault in this, but he doesn’t have to tell us how/when he apologized to this girl. He’s just presented an awkward situation he’s had to deal with in a humorous light.

Comment by Lauren

oops.. that must have hurt her

Comment by umair

Girls/Ladies,
Please be patient with us. Please GET on our case if we were raised in a godly home. I am a first generation Christian, and I must say that I’ve learned more from my wife about being considerate than anyone else. I do have higher expectations from my son, because my hope is that my sensitivity to females will be more caught than taught. When my wife and I were just friends, I invited her over for “BBQ chicken” one day. To her amusement, that’s all we ate. There were no veggies, bread, or anything! After 18 years of marriage, I’m STILL a work in progress by the grace of God. But now, I can make a full course meal!

Comment by Mario

I thought this was quite funny myself. I don’t know what some expect you to do – get down on your hands and knees and grovel? You saw your error, made amends, and you’ve learned from it, and the rest of us, MOST of us anyway, got a good laugh out of what you did. You were transparent in order to help others, which is what we’re to do.

Comment by Diane

as a woman who teaches classes on gender, i enjoyed reading your story. I think the best way to make men understand women’s situation is to have other men teach them about it.

but I have one criticism: please don’t call women “girls.” I read your post thinking you were having dinner served to you by 10 year olds. Women are not “girls” and some women take offense because “girls” keeps them in a perpetual state of childhood.

Comment by megatrouble

I like the “giggle/tear time!” How do you know that, Kevin???

Comment by Desiree

Desiree,

I had a sister growing up and several close, precious sisters in the Lord.

Comment by Kevin Shipp

I don’t agree with the gender stereotypes presented here. My dad, father-in-law, and husband are wonderful cooks and have washed their share of dishes as well. I have learned more about plate presentation, creativity and food preparation techniques from my husband than anyone else. I do agree with many of the other comments that this is a basic courtesy issue, not a gender issue.

BTW, in my mind the best thing a man can do for a woman that cooks for him is to insist that he will clean-up the mess while she takes a break. ( :

Comment by Jenny

(came over from girltalk)

Glad you were open when the realization was brought to you.. that’s Very valuable in your character & pleasing to God.

Ya, courtesy issue not gender issue.. because just having knowledge of full-course meals that come forth from women would bring one to think about the extra time it would need to take to prepare.

Learning to love more is a special thing.. because it’s an awesome feeling to know that more & more is being laid down as a foundational choice in how your future life will be lived out!! Hoping you are deeply blessed by her forgiveness (hoping that she did).

Blessings to you & your future.

Comment by Shannon2-24

Our single’s pastor used this at our single’s meeting-his wife had gotten this for him. It had the whole room cracking up..some of us were almost in tears/

Comment by Kayla

Thanks for the story, it was really funny. Ironically, I read this post last night while I was waiting the homemade chocolate cake to finish cooking for the supper that I made for my family last night! As a college student, I don’t get to serve my family very often anymore, but I think that cooking is one of my favorite ways to do that. It is definitely true that women view the cooking process differently from men. It is a joy for me to cook a large meal for others. I know only a very few men that feel the same way.

Comment by Katie

Hi,
Amazing insight you have there – I saw this post on WordPress’s Hot posts and had a good laugh reading it! Yes, what you’ve said is so true when it comes to us women, and the first thing I did was forward the link straight over to my boyfriend (who thinks dinner is a pack of 1 minute instant noodles and a tin of biscuits) – hopefully he becomes more appreciative!

I sure hope you made it up to the girl and took her out for something nice in the end… shame on you by the way for just sitting down and reading – another thing that you might want to remember is that women want appreciation for the meal they’ve slaved over, so if you don’t have a huge helping of it, means you’re being insulting to them.

Just my two cents.. cheers!

Comment by drowmage

And the amazing thing is, the same principle can be applied to way more than cooking . . . . On the other hand, have you ever noticed how we guys are EXTREMELY proud and vocal about our cooking, even though it usually sucks and takes no time or planning beyond the 2 minutes spent between the voice in our head saying “I’m hungry,” and “I don’t have any money for WhataBurger, so I guess I’ll cook something”?

Comment by Brett

Extra touchy subject. Funny to watch the squirm!
Dude-guess you’re fasting these days. . .

Comment by lakeandbay

10 seconds into readin’ this I thought: “Bet this is my man Kevin Ship”. Smooth.

Comment by Stretch

Well…having had this happen to me on a few occasions and knowing Kevin personally has brought me to this conclusion. Yea…he messed up big time! But thanks Kevin for being humble enough to recognize your insensitivity and for taking the time to write out your experience for other men to read. (The intended audience was predominalty male and we women need to remember that! His tongue in cheek references are are generally true and aren’t meant to be demeaning, but to shed light on the “behind the scenes” activities we go through in preparing meals…let’s have enough humility to laugh at ourselves when we are characterized correctly…even if it seems to be a slight.)
I wish the friend who “stood me up” would have felt a 10th of your conviction for what his lack of consideration did to me. I am thankful that God helped me to respond graciously and be forgiving…but it definitely leaves a negative mark on your heart in regards to how much this friend values you and your time and efforts to serve him. (PS-I was hosting a birthday dinner party in his honor…so it could have been worse Kevin)

Comment by Jenny

Great story. I am one of the only girls in my group of friends. My brother and I are close in age and I often hang out with him and his friends. One of the ways I love to serve them is by cooking (because they love to eat). I also love to serve by cleaning up the mess. I am blessed that all of the guys are very appreciative and thankful and never fail to tell me how good everything is. Although it seemed you were trying to exaggerate a little on the process of girls cooking for guests… you’d be surprised at how close to the truth you actually are ;).

Comment by Brittany

Whatever you do, please keep sharing stories like this and the lessons you are learning! I try to make that one of the top priorities on my blog, and I think it’s refreshing (even though some of us lash back – ooops! we forgot the plank in our own eyes-) for people to actually read personal confessions of doubts, fears, mistakes, and regrets – especially when the offender can laugh and thank God for his grace and grow from it!

Thanks to girltalk to linking here – I had never visited this blog before – God bless you and all of your written thoughts –

Comment by Kristi

I think most of you missed the point here. This isn’t a representation of a marriage that misrepresenting Christ and the Church as suggested by Marilyn. This is a humorous incident that is a classic case of a single guy trying trying to learn how to relate to a single girl. Obviously he learned a valuable lesson here. One that will serve him in trying to sacrificially care for a wife one day. And the reader read a little too far into the post. The article didn’t comment on the hostess’ response. So, I wouldn’t leave it to your imagination that she didn’t adjust her friend. To say that the organizations represented in this blog misrepresent gender distinctions as biblically defined is a huge statement – based on one blog post. I happen to know this fine young man and know his friends and I respect the way they are trying to learn gender roles. They are surrounded by loving Christians who haven’t distorted those roles into leading/submitting as described above, but rather they beautifully display the love between a man and a woman who are trying to please Christ, honor each other and serve the church. I am married to a man that LEADS me and our family and he sacrifices daily to do that. It is a joy to submit to him. He regularly asks me how can I sacrifice for you to help you? Just wanted to throw that out there for clarification.

Comment by Anonymous

great post…we all need a refresher…

Comment by strategicalliance

Word to guys who wanna dazzle the ladies (and maybe need to patch things up)
A Man, A Can, A Plan–50 Great Guy Meals Even You Can Make! by David Joachim, Rodale Press
Best $15.95 you could spend today, bro!
Also check out http://www.cookingbynumbers.com
Hope it turns out well. Admire the humility and candor!

Comment by Ben There

Im glad you realized it. Because now it may be your turn to invite her for dinner

Comment by misstressm

Yeah, guys can cook too. In fact, I had over 11 people for dinner last night for a dinner of spaghetti, Italian sausage, salad, garlic bread, and hot fudge pudding cake for dessert.

And yes, it would be pretty hard to take if all my friends had bailed on me last minutes since it does take hours of preperation to pull off a meal for that many people.

Cooking isn’t tough. I just think it is our laziness that kicks in.

Comment by Matt

It’s great to see someone who appreciates the things us women do to make men happy 😛

Comment by smallfrii

Clearly the way to your heart is through your stomach! lmao!!!

Very insightful post… It does get easier and way less time consuming to do the dinner party thing as you do it more and more! I am an old pro at it and can whip up some gourmet dinner event in an hour or less if need be! Oh and on the flip side, as I got better, my husband sis too… he discovered catering and take out menus! He just calls and says I have 8 guys coming for poker… I need food for that… and there ya have it…*wink

Comment by kefrisk2

I think you need to take your friend out for a wonderful dinner forget cooking for her… it is a major treat to be waited on…. also dont ever do that again!…

Comment by Pearl Adams

Man, I hope you are kidding :-0

Seriously….this is too funny. Thanks so much….

Comment by Daryl

Wow!
If your friend puts up with this,,, Is this something particular with some woman. How old are you both? We never really heard how SHE felt about the whole episode. We learned anough about you. Maybe you can redeem yourself by giving us her side of the story, better still, ask her to write it on your site while you do the dishes. That might be the part that really enlights us all.
Eugene.

Comment by Eugene

ohhh… that’s a good one. 🙂
Thank God that you realised it and post it here, you never know how many men & women will be blessed by this.

Comment by Grace

Or guys how about we just help out rather than just thanking her?

Comment by jackson345

It was good that you can admit your mistakes (inconsiderations) & understood the process.
1. However, when your in ministry that can happen often- you can just give the meal away to those that can benefit, freeze it for the next time, or give it away for co-workers the next day.
2. I normally cook for more than one anyways and have a home open for neighbors. Hospitality is about being available, unplanned. It’s not about you entertaining; it’s not a “me” centered thing to have guests over to see how hard I worked on something & have the place looking perfect- it’s more of being open to feed those that seek refuge, the daily needs of others. Gen 18, Rom 12:13, Heb 13:12
3. I also normally have reserves in the pantry/frig to toss a complete meal together.
4. That was brave for you to self invite yourself and friends for a dinner party @ someone else’s home.
5. I’d be dissappointed but not mad, because the work/ efforts is “Unto Him”. I might confirm the next time that you are clear & understand the meal situation or it wouldn’t happen in the near future dinner for you & your friends.
I’m glad you’ve been able to reconcile the unknown territory. Thanks for sharing!

Comment by dianna

OH this is too funny! And very insightful

Comment by bougie

I just read this blog after preparing dinner and your were very right on with all the steps that women take to prepare a meal. It’s funny i did everything you explained except I went straight to my mom for the receipe. I even spent exaclty $50 buck at the grocery store. Very good observation and I hope all the men who read this blog will take some time to really appreciate the women in there lives who take the time to cook a meal or a few for them.

Comment by Kareen

Kudos to u Kevin for being so open about ur experience and more importantly, learning from it. It’s none of anyone else’s concern what u did to make it up to the young lady. Unless they’re seeking a remedy for having made the same mistake. Just the fact that you wrote what u did indicates to anyone with common sense that you would have made amends as well. Be blessed but even more so be a blessing.

Comment by Morgan

Ummm… he’s apologizing, and admitting that he was wrong. What more do you want?

This is totally hilarious! I’ve been there — hours, nay, days of planning and I end up with five girls (on time, with side dishes and kleenex), and one guy (3 hours late having eaten already). Sheesh! Glad to know it’s not just me. I shower and everything!

Comment by laura

You need to post the lyrics for relient K’s song Mood Rings. Just love the last bit…
“Mood ring, oh Mood ring oh tell me will you bring the key to unlock this mystery, of girls and their emotions play it back in slow motion so I may understand the complex infrastructure known as the female mind.” Utterly hilarious and right on the money.

Comment by the sentinel

Whoa tonks!! Wow!!!

Everybody, let’s circle around tonks and join hands…who wants to lead prayer??

Comment by Morgan

BTW Kevin…today’s Crosswalk Clean Laugh for the Day was for you…

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?”

He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

“The evening was a disaster,” he moaned.

“Why, didn’t she come over?” asked his mother.

“Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook…”

Comment by Morgan

Glad you realized your mistake. We need more guys like you.

Comment by Wendy

[…] your Friday night dinner party check out this link. […]

Pingback by Foot-loose Friday « …and the women…

Hi all!

G’night

Comment by Test

I totally agree with that. Sometimes I make dinner for my parents and it takes forever- just to get it just right! Yeah- the decorations, color coordination- all of the above- all over it. Do it all the time. 🙂

Comment by T.bone Gal

[…] few months ago I read this great article from Manspeak blog entitled Women Aren’t Men . This particular post seemed to stir some “controversy”, but I am not sure why.  I […]

Pingback by » Manspeak

Hey Kevin,
Thanks for taking time to help us guys out who more often than not are either clueless, careless, or just plain selfish. I laugh because I can relate to what you did. But at the same time it pains me because my desire really is to love and serve others. Pride, arrogance and selfishness are my biggest mountains to move. In fact, my favorite verse to quote to myself for some time was from Proverbs, “Even a fool, when he keeps quiet, is counted among the wise.” I just decided that I can be such a complete idiot sometimes that it is better to keep my mouth closed and spare everyone (including myself) the misery of foolish things that can come out. And with that, I would like to say that “men” are not all like that. Plus, women have their moments too.
But the best news is, God gives grace to the humble, and I beleive Kevin is on the receiving end. I pray that God’s grace be with us all as we fumble along in life.

Comment by kevin




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