What a Pathetic Loser! Part 2 by Kevin Shipp
June 12, 2007, 9:51 am
Filed under: Humor

When I was 8 years old, I had this massive crush (as massive as an 8 year old can have, I guess) on a girl named Lora-Anne. She was the sister of one of my brother’s baseball teammates. My brother was playing on an All-Star team with her brother, and while they were playing, all the team’s siblings would play on the play ground. (This is where numerous childhood romances were formed and shattered. Usually involving passing notes, buying each other suckers, and being scared to death to be seen together.)

Well, one day, Lora-Anne, her brother, my brother, my sister, and I were at my house playing while our parents were out on a double date. We were in the basement playing “cup-ball” (A complicated game similar to baseball played using your hand as a bat and a paper “coca-cola” cup wadded up into a ball. Teams were usually so small, that we had to employ ghost-runners. Oh yeah!) Between innings, my brother said, in front of me and everyone else, “Hey, Lora-Anne, my fat little brother likes you!” Horrified by the intense awkwardness that I had just been thrust into, I looked at Lora-Anne, squeezing back the tears, and then ran upstairs and outside to our trampoline. I bounced and cried, nay, I wailed and balled my eyes out, bouncing and jiggling in a pathetic attempt to soothe the sting of embarrassment.

To make it even worse, Lora-Anne came out after me! She came up to the trampoline with genuine concern in her voice and said, “Kevin…”, but I didn’t let her finish! I just couldn’t handle the awkwardness and embarrassment. I was a huge loser and I knew it. I jumped off and ran back into the house crying once again, and locked myself in my room. I didn’t speak to her again until my sophomore year of high school.

So, guys, let’s hear ’em. I want to hear all of your most embarrassing childhood crush stories!



5 Comments so far
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Ok, I’ll admit it. One time I thought I was drinking an orange Fanta, but it was actually an orange Crush!

Comment by casey

Okay Kevin, I’ll bite. Here is my tale of twitterpation…

In fifth grade I transferred to a private school. Up until that point I had been homeschooled, with my younger brother being my only other classmate. For about a week, the bells that went off for recess, lunch, etc. thoroughly confused me. Anyway, I developed a crush on this girl named Jennifer. She was pretty and popular, so I didn’t exactly show up on her radar screen. I oftentimes imagined winning Jenny’s affections by rescuing her from a terrorist attack on our school (not that such a threat was actually imminent).

I finally had a person have another person have another person ask Jennifer if she would ever be interested in me. The word came back: if all the popular boys left the school, then yes she would be interested. Now, you might think that was a crushing blow to my pride. In reality, my response was closer to elation than disappointment–kind of like Lloyd’s response to Mary in “Dumb and Dumber”:

Lloyd: What are my chances?
Mary: Not good.
Lloyd: You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?
Mary: I’d say more like one out of a million.
Lloyd: So you’re telling me there’s a chance!

Yes, that crush had a lasting impact on my life. To this day, my favorite female name is Jennifer/Jenny.

Comment by Cap Stewart


1) I don’t understand. Just because she was pretty and popular, why weren’t you on her radar screen? I mean YOU’re Cap Stewart, Voice of Knoxville.

2) Don’t ever tell another crush story. I am officially weirded out. “lasting impact…” SHEESH!

Comment by Squatty

When I was a tyke in Sunday School, Andy and I always sat together. Naturally that meant we were boyfriend and girlfriend and would probably be getting married once we grew up and could see over the pew on our own two feet.

Our relationship reached a climax when Andy grabbed my hand one Sunday night and led me to a dark corner with the news that he had something to tell me. Suddenly I found myself staring at pooched lips. NO WAY WAS HE GOING TO KISS ME!!!! I declined, he insisted, I shoved, he pulled, I made a desperate attempt to slap his cheek……. only to wind up with a peck on my own.

Reality set in. He’s a bad boy, and I had to break up with him. Yet how on earth could I break his poor heart? I made an attempt to inform him one Sunday morning as he squeezed past me during children’s church to go to the front. “Uh Andy?” He paused… everybody waited… “Oh never mind.”

A week later a note was scrawled in the seat I usually sat in. “To Brittney. I hate you. Andy”

I was so relieved.

So that’s my “ex boyfriend’s” most embarrasing childhood crush story.

Comment by brittneyleigh

[[[oops, I (the previous poster) was signed in with an inaccurate account]]]

Comment by BrittLeigh

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